Undignified Zeal

So recently I have felt a desire to read through and begin typing up some of my old journals so that I have them electronically preserved and easier to read. Whilst attempting this tedious task, I have laughed quite a bit as my very excited past-self recalls different church meetings, worship band practices and meetings with my mentors at the time. It’s striking how passionately I write about God, about Church, about my quiet times and my ‘unsaved’ school friends. To me now there is a part of it which seems foolish.

For example my journal entry for 7th January 2009 reads:

LORD SET ME ON FIRE FOR YOU!!! Today I want to hear God. I want to be set on fire!!! So Lord God Almighty I pray that I will meet you today! Lord let me see visions, encourage me. And give me strength to face my temptations…Amen.

The Glory belongs to God forever and ever. Amen.” – Galatians 1:5

Fill me up with Your Holy Spirit fuel. I want this worship club to get started NOW! Lord HELP ME!!! Light the fuse! Amen

One of my close friends and mentors has moved to America recently. This guy taught me a lot about living after Jesus, dying to self, boasting about weakness and examining my heart. So when I remembered a couple of days ago that he used to blog I had to check it out. After doing a bit of searching I found it! It dates all the way back to 2006 back when he was my age, I have noticed that he too wrote in a very excited  manner about God and what Jesus was doing in his life. Maybe I wasn’t sooo crazy!

Whilst I have long heard how important it is to be able to relate to the world and it’s people, (and not just listen to Christian music – for example) I think due to  my desire to please people I have lost some of my original fervor. Even now I look upon my old self as weird, as too excited, (what I imagined the adults surrounding 14 year old Paul thought as well), but truthfully there is a deep part of me that longs for this zealousness – even if it seems weird to those on the outside.

Whenever I read the story of David dancing half naked down the street, I often compare it to my own expression of worship on a Sunday service. Hands in pockets, sometimes eyes are closed and if I’m standing at the back I might even raise one hand. I would hate for someone to make even a comment on my worship. It didn’t always use to be this way, when I used to lead worship at a previous church I was frequently greeted by “remember you’re supposed to be leading people”… “try not to get too carried away” etc. Whilst they do have a point, it’s no good if the worship leader is singing out of time, I envy the self-abandon I had then.

I know ultimately, it doesn’t really matter whether my hand are in my pockets whilst I silently think about the words or if I am standing on a chair waving both my hands above my head shouting “JESUS is LORD!”…at the end of the day it is more important that my heart seeks to bring God glory, and has the willingness to express worship both ways.

My prayer is that God would allow my heart to be able to say, like David, as a response to what God has done: ‘I will  become even more undignified/contemptible/foolish than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes’… Lord give me the willingness to die to my pride.


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